In memory of Teresa Maye Stewart....

Final good-byes are always hard, especially when it's someone you were close to, and you grew up with, and the memories are so vivid, it's as if they happened only yesterday.

I see Teresa's smiling face every time I close my eyes, or stop and think about her. Or when I do something that brings back a memory.  Of all the family I've lost, for some reason Teassie is staying with me.  I'm not sure why, and I sure can't explain it, but I feel her.  On some level it's very erie, but then I remember to use my spiritual eyes and know it's okay.  When I think about her, tears fill my eyes, both out of happiness for her peace with God and sorrow because I miss her and all of her quirkiness.

Teassie lived with her pack of 12 German shepards, and made sure she saw her mother every day (or at least spoke to her).  She protected herself from this world as best she could, especially after having men she loved beat on her.

She helped every one she could, even when they stabbed her in the back (and even when she knew the knife was coming, she still helped) hoping she could be a light and they would change for the better.

She never met a stranger, and I mean NEVER!  She was a Ravencraft with a mouth, and the Long (her father's last name) was only seen in her facial features.  She only ate chicken breast when we had chicken and we always saved her one because she was always late for the gathering due to working or helping someone.  She always wanted momma to make potato salad and she would grab the bowl and run, laugh.

This time she wasn't late, and I ate more chicken breasts than I care to admit in her honor (and I don't like white meat from a chicken, too dry, laugh).

Her IQ was higher than anyone I ever met, literally.  She finished high school at 16 and was teaching the teachers, she could've been anything, anyone she wanted to be, yet she stayed close to her momma, as all of us Ravencraft's tend to do.  We won't be too far from our family, if we can help it!

I could go on and on, but you'd have to know Teassie to understand what I write, and I could write a book.

God knows I miss her, more than words or actions can say, but knowing her life, I wouldn't call her back for nothing in this world.

Death is final, in this life, but memories are forever!

I hope and pray she never leaves me.  I would be honored if she was the one to walk with me to the other side.

I love you Teresa!

Pain....

I've only heard of people shutting down when they are in pain, but I've never experienced it before, with all my ailments, until now...at this very moment I literally feel my body shutting down.

The pain in my neck and left arm are so debilitating that I'm not sure how to stop it.  I've seen the chiropractor, I've taken all the meds I know to take and still the pain is so ever present.  Sleep is hard to come by when this happens, and that makes for a very long work day.  So much so that I find myself fighting sleep as I work, and worried I'll miss something and mess up because of my lack of focus.

I can't help but say "Why me? Why now?" and yet I know there are no answers to such foolish questions.

In the famous writings of King David, Psalm 30:5 (KJV) - "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I'm waiting for my morning....

Lady Gaga

I love Lady Gaga.  

Let me explain.  I love her music, well most of it.  I'm not really sure what she stands for, but that's not why I love her.  I love her because I love how she scandalizes people with her appearances.

I've seen interviews with her and still do not know what makes her tick.  I think it's all a show, but who knows, sometimes people are just as weird as their music.  

I think she's capable of pulling off anything and getting away with it.  And I think those who do not like her, do not like her because, secretly, they wish they had the nerve to do what she does without worrying about ridicule.

I watched the grammy's last night, well not really, they were on because I wanted to see what she did on stage, so as they were going on, I was reading "Until Tuesday" (excellent book btw!).  Then up popped LG and I stopped reading and turned up the volume.  I do not know what song she was singing, as I watch the singers mouth to understand them and I couldn't see her mouth from the make-up, which was cool - the make-up. After her show, I turned off the tube and continued to read until about 10PM (very unusual for me, but my neck was hurting and I couldn't sleep, so I read).

Usually I find artist like LG too weird or out of my 'moral system' to even entertain the thought of 'following' them, but I have every cd LG has put out, thanks to my brother-in-law, and I listen to her when I run, so yes, I admit it, I'm a Lady G closet fan.

And with that, I'll close my rambling...I just had to let those who missed LG last night, know you missed another weird performance, laugh.

Go Lady G!

The day after migraine outing....

Ok, so those of us who have migraines know there are three things that trigger them (1) food, (2) stress, and (3) hormone fluctuations.  I had been fighting at migraine all week last week, and after Tuesday night yoga, I thought I had dodged the bullet.  Wednesday, no headache.  Then Thursday, bam, right in the forehead, and it got worse as the day progressed, so I ended up leaving work around 3PM and spent all day Friday in bed.  

Now, those of us with migraines, also know that most of us get fair warning when we are about to have them.  For me, it's the smell of smoke from burning leaves, don't ask me why 'cause I do not know! All last week, that's all I smelled, and Saturday the smell left, but promptly returned Sunday, and so yet again I'm smelling burning leaves and have a nagging headache.

Most of us with migraines, also know that food - the site, the smell, is nauseating, so most of us don't eat while we are migraining (my new word!).  So Saturday, when I woke up with no migraine, no burning leaves, I decided to go with my family to see my sister and brother-in-law on the coast.  Needless to say, I had two days forth of eating to catch up on, so when we went to lunch, Logan's by the way, I had a plate full of food and ate every bit of it, plus about 4 rolls.  Then we shopped 'til my mother was about to drop, and we stopped for ice cream.  I had the lady give me a double scoop of sherbet on a waffle cone - darn skippy!  

My brother-in-law has never seen me eat as much as I did Saturday, and was so infatuated with the fact I could put so much food away, that every time I looked up, he was videoing or taking a picture of me eating.  ROFLMBO!

Needless to say, by the end of the day I was dealing with carb and sugar overload, and my body wasn't happy AT ALL!  And I'll admit, I felt GUILTY, but after a day and a half without eating much, if anything, I was going into starvation mode - or so that was my excuse.

I'm not sure why I am still smelling burning leaves, other than the stress is still sitting on my shoulders, so I'm off to see the chiropractor, to let him undo the stress and my goal for the week, to not let anything get to me.  I can't handle migraines anymore.  The older I get, the worse they become, if that is even possible.

This weeks mantra: "I will not stress and I will not get a migraine!"

Peace out....

Yoga strikes again...

Savasana or corpse pose, is the last pose after one has given their all on the mat.

I tend to leave a great deal of baggage on my mat, almost as much as I do on the altar at church.

My mat, and yes it's MY mat, and should something ever happen and I am no longer able to practice, I will burn my mat to keep it from 'talking', smile.

My past haunts me daily, no matter how much I give it to God, or say I've left it on the mat, I always manage to pick it up on my way out the door (of the church or the yoga studio).

However, I find that when Tammy starts our yoga practice, something always finds it way to the surface and I spend half of my time fighting tears or half of my time sniffling because I can't control the tears.  I know it is annoying for others to hear someone sniffling when they are trying to concentrate on their practice and I work very hard not to sniffle, but I'm no good at hiding my emotions.  I only hope they think I have a cold, after all, it is that time of the year, smile.

Back to Savansana, it's a time for silence, for listening, but if one watches me, I'm moving some part of my body, it's very subtle, but I can't lay still and I can't stand the silence.  In the silence my past finds me and I can't change it, nor deal with it, so I keep moving.

Tuesday night, as we lay there, Tammy instructed us, as she always does, to be still, relax, listen to the breath, and you know what I was thinking about - getting a hamburger after class because I was too tired to cook when I got home; a friend and the situation she's found herself in; how I didn't want a migraine, as my body was working on conjuring one up; and lastly, I hate this pose, how am I suppose to be still with all these thoughts running through my head.

Now, after a yoga class I eat healthy, I mean, I've just sweat off about 10 lbs, so I'm not putting it back in my mouth, so why in the world was I thinking about a freakin' hamburger?  My minds way of protecting me from the baggage that lays in-wait for me to 'be silent in my semi-stillness.'

Tammy would probably make be pay for those thoughts, so I'm not tagging her (laugh).

I feel like I've embarked on this journey and I have no control (and Melissa doesn't like no control - I am the definition of a control freak!).  I'm not sure where I'm going, where I'm being lead, and part of me wants to fight it, and part of me is tired of fighting the demons and is ready to follow.

Now if only the tears would stop....

God bless and Namaste!

As promised, a picture of the wedding cake that almost caused me to go to drinking, grin.  It was very pretty and fun to work with. Next time, no way will I take a wedding cake order a week and a half before the wedding day.

This was my one, and only, good deed for bride and grooms (yeah we know I'm lying, but work with me here, laugh).

I hope the happy couple lives happily ever after....

Cake disasters a plenty...

Ok, at no time have I ever claimed to be a professional cake decorator.  I'm a Buddy wanna be, and I can make some awesome cakes, but when I screw up, man do I screw up.  

Example, I'm making a wedding cake for Saturday.  It's consists of 4" tall, 16" squared, 12" squared, and a 6" tall 8" squared cake.  It's enough to feed 300-400 people, but only 65 people will be attending the wedding (at best).

The bride's aunt waited until last Tuesday to find a cake decorator and my sister volunteered me and I'm a sucker to help people in a pinch so I agreed (against my better judgement).  

So the first three 8" layers were no problem.  Then last night, I baked up the first of two, 12" cakes, and when I went to flip the cake over on the make shift cooling racks, which my sister and I had famously decided to tie together with bread ties, we forgot to put all four hands on the cake and when I flipped, half the cake hit the table and floor.  

At that point, I reached over and grabbed my glass of ever so red wine, said cheers and chugged.  Then I proceeded to clean up the mess and give the cake to my Daddy.  Samson, my chichi, took care of what was on the floor (and dug himself into insanity all night).

My sister and I just looked at each other and I calmly walked over and started mixing up another batch for the oven.

Now, on any other night (or day), if that would've happened, I would've cussed like a sailor and made sure everyone heard me, but I realized, nope it's just a cake, I can make another one, lesson learned.  I didn't use the make shift cooling racks, I used my cake board, which is what I should've done in the first place, but naw, so I had no one to blame but myself.

With that confessed, I'm more determined than ever to make this cake the prettiest wedding cake ever seen by man, we'll that's the motivation, the reality is, it's a cake and something else is bound to go wrong, cross your fingers, toes, say a prayer, meditate for me, what ever your poison is, I just need the 2 16" layers to come out of the oven without a hitch and for them to icing up perfectly, and for the cake to not fall apart before the cake is cut.

I should be very nervous and worried, it's someone's wedding cake after all, but nope, I'm viewing it as just another cake, and hopefully that will keep me from panicing and doing the 'holy crap, i'm doing a wedding cake, what if I....", which I do with other people's cakes.

I'll post a picture when it is set-up tomorrow afternoon, and would be happy to have lots of praise from all of my followers, just to make me feel good about it, 'cause Lord knows I've worked my butt off already and am making absolutely no money off of this deal, just doing a good deed.

And with that said, my sister reminded me last night, as I was discussing the above, a closed hand can not receive anything, but an open hand receives abundantly, so I guess you could say my hand and heart were definitely opened when I heard the story and took on this cake.

May God bless the bride and groom, and may they have a wonderful life together.

In Christ,

Melissa