Thursday, November 3, 2011
Yoga strikes again...
I tend to leave a great deal of baggage on my mat, almost as much as I do on the altar at church.
My mat, and yes it's MY mat, and should something ever happen and I am no longer able to practice, I will burn my mat to keep it from 'talking', smile.
My past haunts me daily, no matter how much I give it to God, or say I've left it on the mat, I always manage to pick it up on my way out the door (of the church or the yoga studio).
However, I find that when Tammy starts our yoga practice, something always finds it way to the surface and I spend half of my time fighting tears or half of my time sniffling because I can't control the tears. I know it is annoying for others to hear someone sniffling when they are trying to concentrate on their practice and I work very hard not to sniffle, but I'm no good at hiding my emotions. I only hope they think I have a cold, after all, it is that time of the year, smile.
Back to Savansana, it's a time for silence, for listening, but if one watches me, I'm moving some part of my body, it's very subtle, but I can't lay still and I can't stand the silence. In the silence my past finds me and I can't change it, nor deal with it, so I keep moving.
Tuesday night, as we lay there, Tammy instructed us, as she always does, to be still, relax, listen to the breath, and you know what I was thinking about - getting a hamburger after class because I was too tired to cook when I got home; a friend and the situation she's found herself in; how I didn't want a migraine, as my body was working on conjuring one up; and lastly, I hate this pose, how am I suppose to be still with all these thoughts running through my head.
Now, after a yoga class I eat healthy, I mean, I've just sweat off about 10 lbs, so I'm not putting it back in my mouth, so why in the world was I thinking about a freakin' hamburger? My minds way of protecting me from the baggage that lays in-wait for me to 'be silent in my semi-stillness.'
Tammy would probably make be pay for those thoughts, so I'm not tagging her (laugh).
I feel like I've embarked on this journey and I have no control (and Melissa doesn't like no control - I am the definition of a control freak!). I'm not sure where I'm going, where I'm being lead, and part of me wants to fight it, and part of me is tired of fighting the demons and is ready to follow.
Now if only the tears would stop....
God bless and Namaste!