Wednesday, October 12, 2011
What happens on the mat, stays on the mat...
The class was small, 3 of us, plus Tammy. Before she made it in the door 2 of us unloaded our issues on her. Let me stop here and say, God gave Tammy broad shoulders to help carry others loads. Then as we settled on the mat, Tammy read us a piece on 'tears'. Nothing mind boggling, just tears, then the next thing I hear is a sniffle. Then, I hear it again, and I realize it's me this time sniffling. She finished her reading, then we began our practice on the mat.
The practice for me last night was very challenging, for some reason after that reading, I lost my concentration and reason for being in the class. I fell twice on the same pose, something I've never done, but I got back up and continued on - unhurt.
I continued to struggle through the poses, and had a clenched jaw the entire time, unless Tammy was reminding me to relax.
Tammy slipped one in on us, a three legged chaturanga. I have no upper body strength, and Tammy had my back, right leg, making me keep it strong, then she said "now lower down to three legged chaturanga". I laughed out loud I think, and tried to slowly lower my body to the mat, but in the end I just flopped down, shaking. Tammy definitely enjoyed herself too much, smile.
Then came savasana, my body LOVES savasana time, but my mind HATES it! I can't "just be" in the moment and not think of anything. Remember, my mind is a wondering-june bug. As I lay there, I started to cry, again. Dam* I was one big emotional body just laying there not able to control anything. Not in control of anything!!!!!!!! At that moment I realized, I wasn't made to control everything, just what is within me. It's God's job to control everything, and I'm to take care of me, and be there for those around me, but I can't control anything anyone does, other than me. I'M NOT IN CONTROL of other people and their decisions (nor the results of their decisions)....
So as I left The Yoga Room, I cried all the way home. Now I realize this wasn't safe, especially for someone with night blindness, but God was merciful and saw the cleansing going on and allowed me to make it home safely.
The Yoga Room, for me, has become a place where I can go and not be judged for my past, my present, and my future mistakes. No one is out to get me there, as they are there for their own healing.
I'm slowly regaining Melissa back, as I slowly learn the lessons the mat has for me. Let me stop here and add, the mat is the only place I stop and actually listen to my body, to God, as I spend the rest of my time taking care of everyone else and not taking care of me, so it seems natural to me that God would meet me in a place where I'm trying to learn to 'silence' the mind.
I'm starting to feel like there is another chapter waiting to be written in my life. One with less heartache, less pain, and with more blessings from God.
This, as I stand on the mat and wait for God....
Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."
II Chronicles 20:17 "Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the LORD with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them: for the LORD will be with you."